Bagels "More Dynamic" Than Porn!

Oh Al Goldstein, how reading about you reminds me of being a young pie, at sleepovers in my friends' Manhattan apartments. Boxlike two-bedrooms in Stuyvesant Town, Southgate Towers, Turtle Hill, with parquet floors and ethnic throw pillows, a sound-proofed office space for mom's psychotherapy patients. Cold Soho lofts, half unfinished, a swing hanging from the ceiling for the kids and jars of almonds on the kitchen counter. And you, Al Goldstein, and your show Midnight Blue on channel J. You and your filthy mouth and call-girl pimping. Your raunchy Screw magazine ads and spectacular Fuck Yous to whoever'd pissed you off that week. You and your sick, violent, unbridled misogyny.

You'd be pleased to know I dreamt of you at those sleepovers. I dreamt of you screaming "rotten c***!" and "c***s***ers!" at the rats in the streets, of what would happen if my parents abandoned me and I were stuck in Manhattan forever in this cold apartment with some girl from school, her therapist mother and her father the mysterious painter or civil rights lawyer or cult leader or whoever he was. Those dads were a mystery, Al Goldstein. Any one of them could have been you.

Al Goldstein, I heard you were homeless for a while. When did that happen? Last time I lived in Manhattan you were still on TV, even though you'd been sued for sexual harrassment like fifty times. It wasn't that long ago, but I guess it was before Ashley and Mary-Kate moved to town, and spotting them sucking face with older men at Butter became the Manhattanite's number one prurient delight. They said it was the Internet that sucked away your fortune, but I prefer to blame it on people like the twins. Then apparently you were a host at the 2nd Avenue Deli. Are you kidding me? Did everyone know this and keep it a secret? There were so many times I wanted to go back there with my more observant relatives, but they're over the corned beef now and have moved on to Kosher theme restaurants serving curry, couscous, and barbecue.

And now they say you're a bagel salesman. Bagels and whitefish, huh? In your own words, Goldstein, "in the ear or up the nostril––it's your bag and it's your own business." You dirty, dirty old man. I suppose as a former pie pusher, I can't throw stones.

Well, Alvin, I just wanted to say hey. Reading that article on you was like listening to Squeeze. It really brought me back.

REUTERS: Fallen U.S. Porn King Goldstein Rebuilds with Bagels

Comments

[spinster]

This is a most excellent and fun post and I don't know why no one has made a comment.

Perhaps because the only thing left to say is something very mundane like this.

[spinster]

PS When I babysat in college I watched Robyn Byrd after the children went to sleep on very low volume, finger hovering over the power button on the remote in case the parents came home early to the distressing sight of their Barnard babysitter watching a cheesy public access sex show. It was the most sad and amusing hour of entertainment. And she managed to stay afloat all these years...

http://www.robinbyrd.com/Main.htm

[constanza]

hey yael,
confession 1: love your blog, and i look at it after hora peligrosa.
other confession: love the games for language classes. i've adapted one of them, so, to be fair, here is one:
you hide a vocabulary word in the class somewhere (either you have a prop, or you write it on a little paper)
someone leaves the class and will come back to find the word).
when they come back, the rest of the class has to say the word. (quietly if the person is far from the hiding place, more and more loudly as they approach the hiding place).

un beso, say hi to camille
constanza (marias friend, brooklyn... you know)

[principessa]

I second the Spinster's comment about this great entry. I particularly like the resolutely engaged yet distant tone in relation to the sicko bagel-man--I mean the way the old pervert snuck into the real and psychic spaces of your childhoos, and how you can't help feeling some kind of strange affection for the way he insinuated himself into your life. Very nice blog entry, Pie.

[funchilde]

here here. what they said. loverly.
I hope you and C are well.

Fun

[Gypeprailia]

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